Come Closer by Ilse Sand

Author:Ilse Sand
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781784506032
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Published: 2017-05-05T16:00:00+00:00

The reward of seeing parents in a more realistic light

Re-examining your relationship with or view of your father, your mother or your own childhood is something many people resist. It may be unpleasant to look hard at your own past if it has not been optimal.

However, it can be rewarding to overcome your reluctance because the closer we get to a realistic view of our parents and ourselves, the better we can commit ourselves to close relationships – and deal with life in general. The more we are in harmony with ourselves and find repose in knowing who we are, the greater the chances are that we will find something that will give our lives meaning and fullness.

The strategies we use with other people have arisen in relation to our closest caregivers when we were children. The less our parents have been able to deal with us and teach us healthy relationship skills, the more self-protection strategies we will have going as adults.

On the other hand, when we let go of a self-protection strategy, it will be experienced as a liberation and provide renewed hope and lust for life as it did for Jared in the example below. He was over 50 before he began to work on his relationship with his problematic father. Jared tells about a breakthrough that took place at the end of a long process of therapy:

Even though my father punished us children harshly, I had always been convinced that, deep inside, he loved me. I remember my therapist questioned this conviction, and now she sat there, giving me this sad and deeply serious look while I propounded one argument after another to prove that my conviction was correct.

At one point, she said, ‘You seem very frantic. I wonder what that’s about?’ I felt completely empty inside. Then, my body began to tremble and the tears flowed. It was as if my body understood before my head did. Then, I felt liberated. It was as if, in that moment, I found a piece of myself.

It can be very liberating to look directly at reality even though we often try to defend ourselves against it if it is frightening or just uncomfortable.

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